Friday, November 4, 2011

Uncertain

Is it a gift?

No.

Perhaps a curse.

I'm not sure.

Or maybe it isn't really that big a deal.

Could be so.

Are things really the way we see them to be? Are situations really that grim and depressing as we think they are? Or maybe the satisfaction of being a sadist is much more than the desire to live a normal life.

Whatever it is, it manages to remain a mystery to me.

At times I know the answers but the answer seems so simple that it sounds unreal to me. Am I being too paranoid or is it the world that's going haywire?

Are we the victims of our fickle minds that fails to see the truth or are we the failures arising out of our greedy desires?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

No!

No. One word. Takes less than a second to escape from your mouth and forever changes my life. My ears register what they hear but mind refuses to accept it. I think I’ve misheard you. But deep down I already know that I’ve lost the battle. You have been snatched right out of my hand. The pain that pierces my heart fails to manifest into tears. I’m left blank and dazed. I feel I’m falling into a bottomless pit and would never make impact with the ground.

On the other hand, your pain is very much visible. Tears roll down your cheeks even before the word ‘No’ reaches my ears. It’s impossible to say how many nights you would have cried your eyes out to come to the decision, to say the word ‘No’.

I notice the pearls on your face and wipe them. You move your face and kiss my palm. I put both my palms on your face and you burst into tears. I hug you and kiss you on the forehead. Your hands move frantically on my back as if trying to grasp something that would save you but can’t get a hold on it. Now you too are falling down that bottomless pit.

After what seems like eternity, you break loose from my grip and regain your natural self. You are much lighter now after crying, though still sad. You get up, kiss me on the cheeks, mutter something that sounds like ‘I love you’ and then ‘Goodbye’ and walk away.

I don’t understand what has happened. My shirt is still wet from your tears. I stare into wide space and feel helpless and want to cry desperately. I want to shout out loud, run after you and snatch you back from whoever is pulling you away from me. I realise this time nobody is snatching you, it’s your own will to walk away.

I look at your now diminishing figure. You stop walking, turn around and smile. And all that I can still hear is No!

Monday, May 2, 2011

The dream is collapsing..

A smile can change everything. It was a smile that changed everything, including my life.

She sat on the large stone chessboard, feet sinking in the lush green grass. And that smile on her face. A smile to kill for, maybe even die for.

"Come sit next to me", she said.

I obeyed her. Only if she wasn't smiling now, I would've sat anywhere I wanted to.

She looked away at the sinking sun and smiled at me.
"I love sunsets!", she said.

It was a simple statement that wouldn't have meant anything had anybody else said it. But not her. She was different.

I held her hand. "I love you", I told her.

She smiled again. "I know you do."

I watched her face, looking for a sympathetic answer. Her knowing this wasn't enough. Where was the "I love you too!"? Had I said my lines wrong?

"So you don't love me?", I inquired.

"I do love you. You know that. I've loved you ever since we met. It's just that..", and she broke off..

"Go on, I'm waiting for you to finish", I replied.

"I've waited too long for you! You never reciprocated my feelings. I couldn't keep waiting forever", she said. The smile faded away as tears welled up in those beautiful eyes.

I looked at her, stunned to hear her reason. She had a fair point. I would've done the same had some girl never felt for me. There's no point waiting for a bus that ain't ever gonna depart!

"I know this is shocking for you. But you've gotta understand my situation."

"...."

"Roy.. Please talk.."

"Huh? Ya. I am a little taken back but yes, you are right. You did the right thing."

"You sure you are okay?"

"Ya. No. I dunno. But I guess I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. I'll manage. Have always managed."

"Hmm.. The sun has set!", she said turning to the sky.

I gazed at the horizon and saw an orange haze in the place of the sun. I felt like crying. My eyes welled up but the tears won't roll down. They never did! They always failed me!

"I think I should get going or I'll be in trouble. My mom would start calling up anytime now!" she said and started wearing her sandals.

"Come I'll walk you to your bike.", I said.

"You know you don't have to be so formal with me. Doesn't suit you.", she said. The smile was back on the face.

"I know but this is something I should've done a long time ago", I said.

A bigger smile.

She sat on the bike and started the engine.

"Guess I'll see you soon. Take care and I'm sorry again", she said.

"Hey, it's alright! I deserved this. You drive home safely. And please get a helmet!", I said, trying really hard to be normal.

"Ya ya, don't start with the lecture again. I'll buy one if they make it in my size!", she said.

"Excuses!", I retorted.

She winked at me and pushed the accelerator.

"Goodbye Roy", she said as she left. I thought I heard her voice turn into a cry as she rode off towards the gate.

I stood there watching her go. I stood there waiting for her perfume's fragrance to die. This was the closest I would ever get to her.

I returned to the seat where we'd seen the sun set and sat down. I remembered how my heart had sank when she told me she couldn't be with me. It must've been six feet under by now. Life had come to a standstill. The dream was collapsing and I could do nothing.

And all because of a smile.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Bounce : Chapter 02

Kumar grinned as he walked towards us. I felt like strangling him right then but I controlled myself to hear probably another one of his magnificent plans to make everything alright.

"I spoke to Jagjit and told him to go away. We won't be paying them anything now!", said Kumar.

"And you expect Nicks to still come and perform at our event?", asked Yetoo.

"Of course not! That's ridiculous! Why would he perform at an event where he doesn't get paid?", Kumar replied.

"And you still have a grin? Not really bothered that the main celebrity performer wont be coming, are you?", I inquired.

"Relax man. I've spoken to the audio guy, Mukesh. He's getting us DJ Rocky to play for us at less than half the rate that Nicks was charging", explained Kumar.


Now, as if it weren't bad enough that our main performer had canceled, some random DJ was going to play at an event where people would come expecting Nicks! And we weren't even sure if people would turn up impromptu for the event. By now, I was sure that tonight was the last night of my momentarily successful life, courtesy of Kumar.


"That's the best proposition ever Kumar! Why didn't we think of that before?", I retorted with a brief sarcasm in my voice.
"Either you are trying really hard to be blind to the fact that your event is a big flop or you are really that stupid and don't see anything clearly! Either way, I don't want any of us to be a part of your crazy plans anymore. I'm leaving! To hell with you and your event!", I said and started towards the door.


I looked back and saw Yetoo get up and pushing the girls towards the door too when I saw the reality dawn on Kumar. He kept sitting on the parapet but seemed to be sinking in his seat. Yetoo saw it too and came up to me.


"The damage has already been done man. No good in staying here anymore. I know it's terrible to leave him in this state all alone, but its for the best of everybody.", said Yetoo.

"I know man. But this asshole is our friend after all. And if this thing has flopped, its partly our fault too you know.", I said.


Yetoo knew what I meant and told the girls to go home and call once they reach home. He urged Dev to go along with them too but he wouldn't budge.
After the girls had left, we went back to the smoking room. Kumar was surrounded by three guys of whom I could only recognize Pankaj, the banquet manager.
Pankaj saw me and walked towards us to have a little chat.


"I shouldn't have trusted Kumar! I thought we both were from the same city so he would respect that and would keep the payments coming in on time, but I've been screwed! He hasn't paid anything other than a token booking amount for the banquet hall and now my senior manager wants the entire money before the show starts. And this Kumar tells me that he doesn't have even a single penny! What am I supposed to tell my boss?", demanded Pankaj.


I guess it wasn't just us who were having a bad day today. Obviously Kumar had told a bunch of lies to many people, promised them everything he could to get his work done. Pankaj was nothing but a scapegoat in this game which would change everybody's life in another couple of hours.


"Pankaj ji relax. We know things haven't worked out as everybody thought they would but you must let us try talking some sense to Kumar.", I replied.

"I've lost all faith in Kumar. Only you and Yetoo can save me and my job", said Pankaj.


Now you may think that this is a good sign that the banquet manager was looking at us with hope, but things really weren't as the seemed to be yet.


"Kumar", I said, "We need to talk. Now!"


Kumar got up and joined us at the end of the smoking room.


"Look it still isn't late. We can still survive this with minimum damage. Tell the audio and lighting guy to take back their stuff. We'll pay them for whatever transportation charges have occurred. Since they haven't unloaded the stuff from the truck, we can request them not to charge us for any services. As far as the banquet hall charges are concerned, let's go and talk to the senior manager. Pankaj is ready to back us up here and buy us some more time.", I urged Kumar.

"I don't know what to do man. Mukesh told me Rocky is on his way here and he has already started arranging the audio setup. Ditto with the light guy.", replied Kumar.


Yetoo and me looked at him with an expression which was a mix of disgust, anger, sympathy and fear. This was getting worse and worse by every passing minute.


To be continued...